One of the favourable developments over the years has been the reduced level of repression in people. Do you find that your parents just refuse to engage? There are certain topics that they will evade or dismiss? The chances are they are repressed. By that I mean they refuse to acknowledge facts of reality or premises that contradict their 'world view'.
I think this is interesting because there are some countries which are refreshingly not like that. The southern Mediterranean countries like Greece being one of the best examples, along with the Philippines. These countries have their own issues, in the sense that values are skewed towards emotional self-indulgence. the polar opposite is Korea and Japan, which are rigid, but highly organised.
My parents didn't use to open up to me... especially when I was younger like a teenager ... They just started opening up to me when I started reaching out to them...
I think parents generally want to protect their children from their own vulnerabilities. I guess they carry this thinking that they want to child to think they are mighty and strong and always "ok" so the child will just go on with his life and be successful. My parents never opened up to me their financial problems... nor their problems in their relationship. I think this is true for western countries somehow from expressions like "NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS".
The parents naturally want to convey to their kids that they are able to handle circumstances that challenge them as they want the kid to be quite worry-free and just focus on his own problems.
This is natural inclination, I'd like to stress that. When child is young, parent is the problem solver, not the other way around.
Of course, it would be better if the child-parent have closer and more open relationship... Parents should understand that being a super hero to a child is good once in a while but just to a certain extent. Children prefer parents who are honest... children grow up too and they want to understand.
My parents didn't use to open up to me... especially when I was younger like a teenager ... They just started opening up to me when I started reaching out to them...
I think parents generally want to protect their children from their own vulnerabilities. I guess they carry this thinking that they want to child to think they are mighty and strong and always "ok" so the child will just go on with his life and be successful. My parents never opened up to me their financial problems... nor their problems in their relationship. I think this is true for western countries somehow from expressions like "NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS".
The parents naturally want to convey to their kids that they are able to handle circumstances that challenge them as they want the kid to be quite worry-free and just focus on his own problems.
This is natural inclination, I'd like to stress that. When child is young, parent is the problem solver, not the other way around.
Of course, it would be better if the child-parent have closer and more open relationship... Parents should understand that being a super hero to a child is good once in a while but just to a certain extent. Children prefer parents who are honest... children grow up too and they want to understand.
You make a good point. Parents do want to convey a position of strength and confidence, but I think its motivated by pride rather than a desire to appear strong. I don't think appearances of strength are helpful. Its important that children see vulnerability and weakness in parents, and that parents show that they can handle that, otherwise they are modelling self-righteousness. I think a parent who grows is the best role model for a child. Not perfect, but always trying to be so. Approaching but never quite getting there.
The question here could be, at a certain age of a child, when the parent is weaker psychologically (has fixations, has defenses, has a lot of pride), who should initiate contact and who has to be more patient? Note I said "at a certain age of a child". Surely a 5 year old wouldn't notice if the parent is fixated or proud. But at 15, the child might already loathe the parent for those qualities.
Then, another question is, if the child has healthier sense of psychologically should the child take responsibility of slowly changing the mindset of the parent? Should the child work on the relationship as hard as how the parent should have done because he is supposed to be the parent?
The answers would lie on the commitment of the child to patch things up, the openness and acceptance of the parent and realization of his mistake, the patience of the child to go through the process (note that the parent, though he wants to change, would occasionally go back to his attitude).
I think this because, a certain age of a child, he could very well be psychologically stronger than his parent, with much stronger communication skills.
However, if the child herself has issues with his own self, I think it's quite untimely to engage in a "relationship rebuilding process". 2 people with issues will find it hard to communicate and understand each other because their defenses with fire up against each other and they are back to square one.
One person must FULLY resolve his issues and accept himself, his disposition, his situation, himself before he can fully engage with the older parent who is trapped in his own reality.
Once the child is ready and prepared to handle the recurring stubbornness of parent, he will try his best to rebuild the relationship. I am guessing it will take a year a least of being together, facing challenges together, spending happy times together to rebuild a relationship... without the help of a psychologist... 3rd party help is useful for others because the 2 people involved in silent conflict has a sounding board. Also the psychologist keeps the discussions and analysis in continuous progress.
If after everything, i think if the relationship is not fixed, then the child should move on. Build relationships with people he can be happy with...
But as he moves on, he should learn to forgive. Understand that the other person can't handle it.
The question here could be, at a certain age of a child, when the parent is weaker psychologically (has fixations, has defenses, has a lot of pride), who should initiate contact and who has to be more patient? Surely a 5 year old wouldn't notice if the parent is fixated or proud. But at 15, the child might already loathe the parent for those qualities.
Then, another question is, if the child has healthier sense of psychologically should the child take responsibility of slowly changing the mindset of the parent? Should the child work on the relationship as hard as how the parent should have done because he is supposed to be the parent? The answers would lie on the commitment of the child to patch things up, the openness and acceptance of the parent and realization of his mistake, the patience of the child to go through the process (note that the parent, though he wants to change, would occasionally go back to his attitude). I think this because, a certain age of a child, he could very well be psychologically stronger than his parent, with much stronger communication skills.
However, if the child herself has issues with his own self, I think it's quite untimely to engage in a "relationship rebuilding process". Two people with issues will find it hard to communicate and understand each other because their defenses with fire up against each other and they are back to square one. One person must FULLY resolve his issues and accept himself, his disposition, his situation, himself before he can fully engage with the older parent who is trapped in his own reality. Once the child is ready and prepared to handle the recurring stubbornness of parent, he will try his best to rebuild the relationship. I am guessing it will take a year a least of being together, facing challenges together, spending happy times together to rebuild a relationship... without the help of a psychologist... 3rd party help is useful for others because the 2 people involved in silent conflict has a sounding board. Also the psychologist keeps the discussions and analysis in continuous progress. If after everything, i think if the relationship is not fixed, then the child should move on. Build relationships with people he can be happy with... But as he moves on, he should learn to forgive. Understand that the other person can't handle it.
I take it as a given that a child will be weaker psychologically. It would be rare that a child would be mentally superior. What the child can be is more consistent in as much as they are a relatively 'clean slate' free of the contradictions that parents will at some point foist upon them. I agree with the premise that one of the counterparties has to have the mental maturity, honesty and capacity to know how to rebuild a relationship before any progress can be made, whether its the child or adult who has the insight.
Hello Guys i think that repressed remembrances like memory of parents are lost memories of things that occurred to a individual in this life-time. A person may hold back memory because it is their way of dealing with a traumatic occasion. Deposits can be used to launch and cure repressed reminiscences.Thanks a lot!!
